wedding day

the morning was grey and quiet and rainy.

i expected that weather. my friends had spent the previous week assuring me that rain on your wedding day was good luck in some cultures. nobody could remember which culture.

i didn't care. i was happy and calm and ready for the day.

there was hair and makeup. a flurry of activity when the limo driver pulled up to our house and i was still not dressed.

my mom helping me with my dress and veil, stepping back to look at me, and beginning to cry.

"no crying," i told her. then, "i love you."

at the church, there was a critical mass of my bridesmaids already assembled, all beautiful. there were bouquets of roses and calla lilies distributed and pictures taken. when joseph and his family arrived at the other side of the church, everyone made sure that i was out of sight.

just before 2PM, we were ushered to the front entrance of the church. i was whisked to a side room with my bridesmaids, my precocious flower girls, and my dad. i wondered why there was no music.

but then the organist began to play canon in D, and, one by one, my bridesmaids made their way up to the altar. finally, i heard the wedding march begin, and my dad took my arm and led me to the end of the aisle.

that wedding march was, in a way, like watching my life flash before my eyes. i saw the aunts, uncles, and cousins that i grew up with; there were my closest friends from high school; friends from my undergraduate days at stanford; and my girlfriends from grad school in texas. all of these people from those various stages of my life, those people i have carried in my memory and in my heart, all there to witness this next stage of my life.

and there was joseph at the end of the aisle.

there were scriptures and prayers, the presentation of the lazo, arras, and the bible. we exchanged vows. we received blessings. and then we were married.

the priest announced that joseph could "kiss the bride." and he did. three times. the priest exclaimed, "or you can kiss her three times!" our first three kisses as husband and wife.

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prescience

after Mass on sunday morning, joseph and i decided to have breakfast at one of our favorite mexican restaurants. it was bustling with a crowd of people who were mostly ordering menudo. we waited patiently for our non-menudo breakfasts.

that morning, i was in the mood to reminisce. the afternoon before, i had stumbled upon an old journal and found myself re-reading my chronicles of the first few months we were dating. did he remember telling me he wanted to marry me after three months? he recalled our first date, as he often does, at a country club and then at a starbucks in temple, texas. how i told him that i just wanted to be friends. ;)

i tell him, "maybe on friday, after the rehearsal dinner--"

"we can go to starbucks and have some time to ourselves before the wedding," he said.

i looked at him, mouth agape. "how did you know i was going to say that?"

"that's why you're marrying me, isn't it?"

because he reads my thoughts and finish my sentences. honestly, it's the same as it was on that first date. i found it disarming that he could sense what i was thinking beyond what i was actually saying. i think that joseph exercises a form of listening that is beyond listening. most people don't pay that much attention.

and yes, that is one of the reasons i'm marrying him.

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two small boxes

two small boxes
Originally uploaded by lamusa

i waited all day on tuesday for these two small boxes. according to the tracking number, they were on the delivery truck by 8:30AM, but the fed ex guy did not drive up to my house until 3:30PM.

i opened the outer box and found a medium sized box inside. i opened the medium sized box and found the bag. inside the bag was a velvety black bag and what appeared to be some invoice papers. inside the small black bag were two small black boxes. inside those were two ring boxes. i fumbled through the last layer of box (!) and found the ring boxes to be EMPTY!

though i was a little panicked, i had to laugh at what seemed to be a practical joke that the universe was playing on me.

then, i carefully inspected the invoice papers and found that there was a small white paper bag and inside that bag were two clear plastic jewelry bags. i saw his ring first and then my own.

i tried on my wedding band and was pleased to find that it fit perfectly. and it looked perfect alongside my engagement ring.

i couldn't help but wear it around the house that afternoon, as if i were playing married. joseph insisted that i take it off when we were headed out to run errands later in the afternoon.

the next day, however, i got to the house after joseph and found him wearing his ring, too. :)

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pa' pagar el pan

this weekend joseph and i had to run a wedding errand in pomona. afterward, we decided to grab a bite to eat at this local mexican restaurant/bakery called el merendero.

as soon as we walked into the restaurant, we were accosted by the sugary smell of freshly-baked pan. needless to say, after lunch we decided to grab some bread to go. we placed a few items on a tray and brought them to the woman at the counter.

"uno ochenta," she told us, after adding the prices for the three pieces we had selected.

"uno ochenta?" i asked to confirm, as i rummaged through my wallet for cash and change. i had one dollar and ... there was a quarter, some dimes... yes. uno ochenta. "a penas!" i told the woman as i handed her the change.

she took my dollar and coins and said, "si no, no más deja el señor aquí que lave los trastres mientras tú vas comer tu pan con un café. luego, cuando termines, regresas por él."

we all had a good laugh at that one (even joseph). leave "my husband" to wash dishes to pay off the pan while i enjoyed some coffee.

now that's what i call solidarity, sister. ;)

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unpopularly feminist

a few weeks ago at my bridal shower, one of my friends from home asked me if i was going to change my last name. knowing that i was about to give an unpopular answer, i wrinkled my nose and shook my head, "no," almost imperceptibly. it was perceptible enough to garner a reaction from people, especially considering that the two married women also at the table had changed their last names.

what about your kids? whose last name will they have? will you have a different name than they will?

and, on the other side, a different friend pointed out that i have a doctoral degree. i am dr. N. mr. S. did not spend those six and a half years in grad school.

in the end, most of my friends at that table were for the tradition of the woman changing her last name. my family, of course, didn't say much, but i suspect they think that i'm a little nutty.

+++
this weekend, joseph and i sampled cakes for our wedding. it was an overall delicious experience except for one moment. the baker, when inquiring about how we'd like the cake decorated, suggested a monogram with our married initial, "S." joseph looked at me and laughed. i explained that i wasn't changing my last name.

she looked at me suspiciously and didn't immediately abandon the idea!

on the way home, joseph told me that it didn't bother him, but he thought it was funny that i was constantly having to defend myself. i told him that he needed to support me! it's not easy defying gender norms/expectations.

+++
i am keeping my name. my name is an important part of my identity. it represents my family and their unique history, and it represents my culture. in that sense, it represents what i have inherited from my ancestors.

it also represents what i have accomplished in my life thus far. it is all the trophies and awards of my childhood, the byline that accompanied the articles i wrote for my local newspaper when i was in high school, and it was is inscribed on my undergraduate diploma from stanford and my graduate diploma from the university of texas. it is what my students call me, and it was what accompanies and will accompany all of my publications from now until tenure and beyond.

it is me.

i love joseph. i count our upcoming wedding as an incredible blessing. i don't, however, think that love and marriage mean that a woman should have to sacrifice something she considers important to her identity. if a woman chooses to do so, i respect that decision. one of the major goals of the feminist movement, after all, was for women to have choices.

i am not so naive to think that women won't be judged for their choices, whether it be the choice to keep her last name or the choice to return to work after her child is born. in that sense, women's "liberation" doesn't feel so liberating after all. but these are our rights, and we choose to exercise them.

+++
joseph and i met with our DJ shortly before we left bakersfield today. at the end of our meeting he said to us, "the next time i see you, you'll be mr. and mrs. S!"

i sighed. "well, actually..."

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engaged encounter

joseph and i have been engaged for almost six months now. during those six months, we have been meeting fairly regularly with our parish priest to discuss our impending married life.

more than anything, we've covered logistics. for example, who will pay the bills? separate checking or joint? how do you plan to balance work and parenting? who will assume what household chores? over the past several months, some of our sessions have been pretty intense. nevertheless, we finished the program with our priest a few weeks ago still committed to getting married!

the last requirement for us to complete before receiving the priest's blessing was to participate in an engaged encounter retreat.

joseph and i didn't really know what to expect of the retreat. we'd already covered so much, what more could they possibly throw at us? we were in for a surprise when we attended the retreat this past weekend.

the retreat was much more concerned with our married spiritual life. in the catholic church, marriage is a sacrament, after all. so the leaders of the retreat (two couples at different stages of marriage) talked to us about issues around communication, family, and the sanctity of marriage. After each "lesson" or topic, we separated to reflect and write our thoughts/responses. Each couple would then come together to discuss what they had written. in that way, we couldn't just let the lesson go in one ear and out the other. we were forced to really think about it and discuss it with each other.

in the end, the retreat really got me and joseph to think more about the sanctity of marriage, especially as we consider the difficulties that we will likely face in our life together. i think that both of us came out of the weekend better understanding the spiritual significance of our marriage, which makes it seem much more... serious (for lack of a better word). however, rather than being more nervous now, i feel more ready than i had previously been feeling.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared about the "for as long as [we] both shall live," but i am certain that i've chosen the right man with whom to take this journey.

38 more days!!!

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wedding humor

i don't think that this is the best picture of me, but i thought this bride and groom was hilarious. my friend, imelda, and i spotted it in this cute store in san diego, and i thought i would share. :)

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